HERE WE GO AGAIN - recall - aged 64 - big girls pants needed

 It’s almost 17 months since my last blog. Life had returned pretty much to normal, and most days I had completely forgotten about the fact that my life had been put on hold by the endometrial cancer in late 2018. I was making plans for retirement, planning a move, nagging Peter to get on with the outstanding jobs....... At the start of the financial year, I dropped my hours down to 20 per week, which constituted 2 long days at work, which I’ve been enjoying (until the massive cock up which resulted in an overpayment of £1000 which was demanded back over 3 months..........long story, now hopefully resolved)

Throughout the pandemic, my contacts with the Royal Marsden have been telephone consultations, and then it was deemed appropriate that I should have a CT scan (just to check all is well). I had the CT scan last month, with a booked telephone consultation for the following week. When the consultant herself called me the alarm bells weren’t triggered immediately, but as the words were heard, I started to process the information and realised that she was telling me that all was not well....... “there are some lymph nodes that look different...... We need to treat them with suspicion” 

We were due to travel to Cornwall a couple of days after this conversation so I’ve been carrying this abnormal activity around in my head (along with all the other stuff that’s scooting around in the grey matter) while we were all together on holiday. I had decided not to tell the boys until I had something to actually tell them, so I kept shtum. In my head, I was imagining the worst possible scenario,,,,,as we did all the normal stuff in Prussia Cove, I was wondering if it would be the last time for me........ swimming in the sea, playing on the beach, eating scones and cream (the Cornish way, of course), walking the cliff path....everything felt as if It was borrowed. Should I be feeling privileged to have enjoyed all this over the years, or was I being greedy for wanting more?

Fast forward - on Monday, I was sent for a PET scan - never had one of those before - it involves an artificial sugar being injected through a cannula into your bloodstream - you lie still for an hour to allow it to migrate, and then you’re taken in to the scan room where you have a slightly longer scan (20-30 minutes).I realised that this was probably the longest time that I’ve spent without reading, or listening, or playing, or knitting, or sewing.... or ANYTHING...... for years. I kept my eyes tightly shut (didn’t have to, just did) throughout the entire process and was alone with my thoughts (scary shit)..... at one point, I pretended to be an astronaut - the noise from the machine sounded appropriate - then I realised that being an astronaut is probably the last thing on my wish list, and was possibly the most terrifying thing ever - so I sang songs in my head. The time elapsed, and I was released - off I went, back home to Croydon - I’d had to fast for the prior 6 hours, and at Clapham Junction I remembered that I had a 2 pack of cookies in my handbag, so greedily devoured them (tricky with a mask on at all times......)

Yesterday, I had the follow up appointment. Peter was coming with me (I think, for moral support- somewhat dubious on that count.... comedy factor more likely) but wasn’t allowed to accompany me into the hospital. I was relatively relieved to be seen by a new registrar (not the bigwig consultant) and he had the merry job of updating me.

“The results are unexpected” were the words I heard......... The number of thoughts that wing through your brain in milliseconds are amazing........ why? What? How?

Anyway- ‘the results are unexpected’ meant that the areas that (possibly, he didn’t use the term, it was in my head) LIT UP...... were in the sigmoid colon, and not in the gynaecological area, where it had been anticipated. He then proceeded to tell me that it appeared that what MIGHT be going on, was that there may be some cancerous activity in the bowel........ 

TAKE TIME TO PROCESS THIS INFORMATION, MADELEINE..........

“So. What you’re saying is that I might have a different primary cancer?”

“Possibly...... it needs investigating” 

So now I’m waiting ....... I’m being transferred to another team (the colorectal chaps) and I shall need a colonoscopy and a biopsy (if they see something they can attack) And then a plan can be made. 

I NEED A PLAN. (Although Peter is treating me like an old Volvo..........

“She’s been recalled”)